Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Very low

I'm writing this now feeling extremely low in spirits. If you don't follow me on Facebook, then you aren't aware of the past two months of misery my husband & I have been going through because of a surgery he had back on November 2nd. He's been in and out of the hospital for nausea I believed caused from the surgery, but the surgeon keeps saying it is not. The last two times, I've refused to take him back to the hospital where the surgeon has privileges because he keeps saying nothing from the surgery causes this debilitating nausea or extreme weight loss. So he's at the hospital I work at with internal medicine Doctors who are actually taking him serious and trying so hard to help him. He got out of the hospital for the 5th time 10 days ago, but this past Saturday he started to have nausea/vomiting again & Monday I had him readmitted to the hospital. His Internal Medicine Doctor is very worried and has now decided to start him on TPN which is IV nutritional feeding through a surgical placed port. He was fine yesterday in the hospital, but now the nausea has returned. I'm beside myself with worry. And on top of it, here it is days until Christmas. Just now I realized he will not be home with me and won't be able to go to our family's Christmas party Christmas Eve. He'll be in the hospital hooked up to tubes, monitors and IVs. It hit me hard like a brick just now, and I'm so very low in spirits that I just want to cry.

I don't think I've been this low since the Christmas right after my Father died. I'm powerless as I have to work but at least he's there in the same hospital complex so I can just dash over if something happens. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with depressed dogs. They are so upset that he is gone again. Frodo is the worse. Last night, I heard Frodo upstairs so I sneaked up and found him rolling around on Chris' bed trying to get under the covers. He looked up, saw me, and started to whine. I had to hold that little dog's body to comfort him or was he comfort me. I haven't put up any decorations this year, I haven't baked, I haven't sent out Christmas cards, and I've barely shopped. I don't think I've ever had such a lonely time ever. My Mother tries to encourage me, and some of my coworkers seem to care about me. My sister is wonderful and my two brothers are as always my foundation. Yet, when I'm here in this house all alone with my three Scotties, I feel as if I'm the only one in the world. I realized from all of this experience that I truly do not like being alone. I know I have my dogs, but it isn't the same as being able to look across the room & make some nonsense comment about anything to Chris. This afternoon, I started to talk out loud and Fiona was so freaked out she had a little pee accident. Oops, next time I'll have to give her fair warning.

I do have Christmas Eve this year from the hospital. I plan on going to my brother's house for a little to spend time with my family and to find cheer. But then, I'll be spending some time at the hospital with my husband so I don't have to be in this house alone without him. I've learned that things don't mean a thing when you are alone. I can surround myself with all kinds of material objects, but the only thing that is important is the one I love.

My best friend told me that at Winter Solstice she went to a pagan ceremony where you sent three wishes for others to the endless night. She told me she sent a prayer/wish that Chris gets better. I hope it works. I truly hope for a Christmas miracle. I have seen then come true, believe me. If you will endulge me for a few seconds longer I want to tell you about such a miracle. Chris' Mom from a mishap with surgery was in a coma for three months. Doctors told us all that even if she ever regained conscious she would never have mental clarity ever. He practically told us she would be in a vegetative state. One Christmas while she was in an nursing facility, both of us & Chris' brother went to visit her. We brought her a stuffed horse that neighed when you shook it up only because she loved little stuffed toys. Chris unwrapped it for her and put it under her arm. Then he & his brother sat next to her. Miraculously, she opened her eyes looked at both of them and said "my boys are home again". We were all shocked as she kept talking and wanted to get up to make them something to eat. I ran down to the nursing station and was met with disbelief. The nurse came down heard Chris' Mom talking and stood there with mouth open. She rushed down to call the Doctor who did the same. His Mom was her own self and lived another year. So you see, Christmas miracles do indeed come true. I just hope that I'm blessed enough to be witness to another one.

Well, enough of my long long winding tale. I now need to get myself together and head over to the hospital just to touch his cheek, hold his hand, and tell him how much I love him and need him. I'm praying for a miracle.


GraceBeading said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Dot for your Christmas miracle. I hope Chris (and you) get some good answers soon!

Diana said...

I remember all too well the dread of having a loved one in the hospital at Christmas. I'm sure you remember Jess being just 16 and in there over 3 weeks for a plural effusion and pneumonia. To this day I cannot bear to see the lit tree on the hospital roof.

But she got through it, and so will Chris. Try to think of it as a learning experience; now you know just how much he means in your life, and you'll be that much more appreciative when he's home!

Prayers continue...Diana

Tracey Leeder said...

Oh Dot, I am so very sorry for everything you are going through. I feel so bad for you guys. Being Holiday time its even harder I am sure. You have taught me to appreciate my loved ones even more. I love my dogs too, but I dont know what I would do without my Hubby, Children and Grandbabies. Before my youngest daughter and my grand daughter moved back in with us, I would spend day after day alone. I learned to get through it, but once they moved in, I realized what I was missing having someone here. My hubby works from 1 pm til 1 am so basically I am alone much of the time. He deer hunts as well and this year was gone 18 out of 30 days. There is only so much you can do to entertain yourself for that much time. I dont know what I will do when these 2 girls move out. I will have to adjust all over again. I hope the Doctors can finally figure out what is going on with your hubby. It has to be so scary for both of you. May Gold Bless you both and bring you that miracle. What a touching story about Chris's Mother. It was a blessing to be able to have her for another year. My dad passed 2 years ago this coming january, so we cherish 3 Christmas's ago, the last one we had with him. Huge hugs to you. I wish I could help.

ThingsTreasured said...

There are no words. I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. I'll be wishing for his swift recovery!

Magpie's Mumblings said...

Oh my dear - I will pray for you and for your Chris.

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

Hi Dot
I think that now that Chris is in the hospital where you work and know the doctors that are taking care of him, you will be a little more at ease. I surely can understand the loneliness you feel when you are at home.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and good health for Chris in the new year.

Crazy Mama said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you and chris this christmas. i pray for a christmas miracle for you too. i pray for the doctors to have the wisdom they need to find the answers. much love.

Roberta Warshaw said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I am sending good thoughts your way and hope 2011 is a better year for you both.