Just been blue around here lately. Chris has been in & out of the hospital now for going on 6 weeks. I think he's physically only been in the house maybe 8 days. This has made me realize that I really do not like being alone. I'm not truly alone as I have my three Scotties with me, but they are lonely too as I'm either at the hospital visiting Chris or working. I don't have enough vacation time to take off more. I'm tired all the time, because I'm not sleeping well. I forget to eat & am so tired of fast food & hospital cafeteria food. I actually had to start cleaning the house. I had no idea where the mop was & had to call Chris to ask him where that & the Pledge was so I could dust a little. The dogs are so upset that Frodo is marking the house, Fiona whines much of the day & Arwen wanders around going from room to room. I just wish he'd come home soon. I have gotten many wonder messages on FaceBook from friends wishing me the best. Dale sent me a surprise gift that made my day yesterday when I was feeling especially down. Pam sent Chris a card. I've got phone calls to cheer me up. But I'm still so blue.
I find it so hard to create when your life is in a turmoil. Especially hard as my studio is in the basement of the house & the dogs are all so needy & don't want me down there at all. I try to do something & all three are sitting on top of the stairs whining for me to come up. I actually got one of my old trays our & took some beading upstairs so I can physically be with them.
Some things I've decided to not do. The hardest thing was not to participate in the 2011 Bead Journal Project. With all the illness this year first with Frodo's oral surgery, Fiona's near death & Chris' illness, surgery and now extended hospital stay, I have not had the preserverence to even finish 2010. I only got to August & lost my Muse for this project. I haven't read the blogs to see what others are doing & have seemed to lost interest in this project all together. I'll miss it as I have met some nice women from that group. I've also decided to not decorate the house at all for Christmas. I'm too exhausted to go down to the basement, drag up all that stuff & decorate the house. I'm not even buying presents or sending cards this year as it is all too exhausting to even think about it. I have a few things for special folks like my Mom, Grandma & a couple close friends. Chris will get a few things too that I bought months before. Nothing is even triggering the holiday spirit in me. I remember walking though the halls of the hospital & it would be decorated for Christmas. We aren't even allowed to call it Christmas anymore...has to be Winter Holiday...oh how fun, right? We haven't gotten a Christmas bonus in over two years. I remember way back when the economy was really tough in the 80s at least the nuns would give us all a turkey for our Christmas meal & we could all say Merry Christmas! Oh we did have a holiday party at work with cold appetizers, and stale cookies. I did get to shake someone's hand who I have no idea who they are wishing me Happy Holidays. Sure...I'll do that. Our department party is once again a pot luck (oh how I remember the lavish Christmas feast and parties) with a cheap sandwich tray from Giant Eagle which by the time we come in at 10pm is stale & tasteless. Doesn't this all sound so joyful?
The only good thing is that my youngest brother is going to have a get together Christmas Eve. I haven't seen some of my siblings for so long and am looking forward to being with them, my Mother & my 96 year old Grandma. I'm sure there will lots of delicious foods there & much laughing which I need right now.
Well, what to you know...something good has just happened. Chris just called & said the Doctors gave him a clean bill of health & he is coming home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he won't have to go back into the hospital. I'm so tired.
thanks all for listening to my personal rant. I so wish 2011 is a better year for me & my family.