Very low

I'm writing this now feeling extremely low in spirits. If you don't follow me on Facebook, then you aren't aware of the past two months of misery my husband & I have been going through because of a surgery he had back on November 2nd. He's been in and out of the hospital for nausea I believed caused from the surgery, but the surgeon keeps saying it is not. The last two times, I've refused to take him back to the hospital where the surgeon has privileges because he keeps saying nothing from the surgery causes this debilitating nausea or extreme weight loss. So he's at the hospital I work at with internal medicine Doctors who are actually taking him serious and trying so hard to help him. He got out of the hospital for the 5th time 10 days ago, but this past Saturday he started to have nausea/vomiting again & Monday I had him readmitted to the hospital. His Internal Medicine Doctor is very worried and has now decided to start him on TPN which is IV nutritional feeding through a surgical placed port. He was fine yesterday in the hospital, but now the nausea has returned. I'm beside myself with worry. And on top of it, here it is days until Christmas. Just now I realized he will not be home with me and won't be able to go to our family's Christmas party Christmas Eve. He'll be in the hospital hooked up to tubes, monitors and IVs. It hit me hard like a brick just now, and I'm so very low in spirits that I just want to cry.

I don't think I've been this low since the Christmas right after my Father died. I'm powerless as I have to work but at least he's there in the same hospital complex so I can just dash over if something happens. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with depressed dogs. They are so upset that he is gone again. Frodo is the worse. Last night, I heard Frodo upstairs so I sneaked up and found him rolling around on Chris' bed trying to get under the covers. He looked up, saw me, and started to whine. I had to hold that little dog's body to comfort him or was he comfort me. I haven't put up any decorations this year, I haven't baked, I haven't sent out Christmas cards, and I've barely shopped. I don't think I've ever had such a lonely time ever. My Mother tries to encourage me, and some of my coworkers seem to care about me. My sister is wonderful and my two brothers are as always my foundation. Yet, when I'm here in this house all alone with my three Scotties, I feel as if I'm the only one in the world. I realized from all of this experience that I truly do not like being alone. I know I have my dogs, but it isn't the same as being able to look across the room & make some nonsense comment about anything to Chris. This afternoon, I started to talk out loud and Fiona was so freaked out she had a little pee accident. Oops, next time I'll have to give her fair warning.

I do have Christmas Eve this year from the hospital. I plan on going to my brother's house for a little to spend time with my family and to find cheer. But then, I'll be spending some time at the hospital with my husband so I don't have to be in this house alone without him. I've learned that things don't mean a thing when you are alone. I can surround myself with all kinds of material objects, but the only thing that is important is the one I love.

My best friend told me that at Winter Solstice she went to a pagan ceremony where you sent three wishes for others to the endless night. She told me she sent a prayer/wish that Chris gets better. I hope it works. I truly hope for a Christmas miracle. I have seen then come true, believe me. If you will endulge me for a few seconds longer I want to tell you about such a miracle. Chris' Mom from a mishap with surgery was in a coma for three months. Doctors told us all that even if she ever regained conscious she would never have mental clarity ever. He practically told us she would be in a vegetative state. One Christmas while she was in an nursing facility, both of us & Chris' brother went to visit her. We brought her a stuffed horse that neighed when you shook it up only because she loved little stuffed toys. Chris unwrapped it for her and put it under her arm. Then he & his brother sat next to her. Miraculously, she opened her eyes looked at both of them and said "my boys are home again". We were all shocked as she kept talking and wanted to get up to make them something to eat. I ran down to the nursing station and was met with disbelief. The nurse came down heard Chris' Mom talking and stood there with mouth open. She rushed down to call the Doctor who did the same. His Mom was her own self and lived another year. So you see, Christmas miracles do indeed come true. I just hope that I'm blessed enough to be witness to another one.

Well, enough of my long long winding tale. I now need to get myself together and head over to the hospital just to touch his cheek, hold his hand, and tell him how much I love him and need him. I'm praying for a miracle.