Belated wishes

A very belated Christmas wish to all. I think all this stress from Chris being hospitalized again really ran me down, or I sat next to someone infectious that last time we were in the waiting room as Christmas Eve, I came down with Influenza A which lead to an Acute case of Bronchitis. I haven't been this sick in YEARS! I don't even remember driving home from the family Christmas party on Christmas Eve. I kinda remember getting up a couple of times on the 25th & 26th to let the dogs out and to feed them, but it all just blends into one feverish dream. I called Chris a couple of times to tell him I was too ill to come in to see him. I so wanted to spend Christmas with him, but I haven't been able to go to the hospital because I'm so afraid to give him a case of the flu on top of everything else he has going wrong. Finally on the 27th, I was able to get to the Urgent Care to get some medication (thank you the wonder of Pharmaceuticals) and a nebulizer. I actually feel almost normal and am looking forward to getting out of this house later this afternoon to see Chris. I'm also looking forward to going back to work tonight...really! I am.

Still unknown why Chris is so ill. He's on IV feeding, but he can't come home like that so they are going to try to do tube feeding so he can come home soon. It has been almost two months since his surgery, and I think he's probably only been home 14 days. This time, he's been in the hospital for 10 days. I called to him last night & he's so desperate for this to be over & to come home to me & the pupcakes. I think he also misses his big comfy chair & television too, but he won't admit that. I don't care...I just want him home and for our lives to go back to being somewhat normal again. I miss him so much! It isn't fun to watch corny television shows without someone to understand my snarky remarks. The dogs just look up at me thinking I'm going to give them some of my popcorn...not on your life...then go back to sleep.

I've had many wonderful people send me good thoughts, call me, send me cards, gifts and food. I want to thank them all. Without them and my family, I would have been lost. My sister Cheryl has been the rock for me because she listens to my whining and crying day after day.

Couple of beading things to share. I did get my letter from Bead & Button letting me know that I'll be informed if I got into the Carol's Master class on January 5th. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I do because I think I'm ready for the next level of beading. I want to learn to develop my own patterns and learn about arrangement and pleasing designs. Plus, I've never been to Bead & Button before & am looking forward to that. I also decided to spend 2011 focusing more on my beading skills. I'm still going to Artistic Figures in Cloth and will make a few dolls, but I want to get more into beading learning new techniques and networking among the bead world. I am sending in my application for the Great Lakes Beadworkers Guild today too hoping to get to met other fantastic beaders in my area. I don't know if I can make it up to Michigan too many times for meetings & am going to have to miss the winter classes with Marcia DeCoster in February, but hopefully as my life gets less complicated I can make it up to the Detroit area at least once this coming year.



And I want to share with you this necklace that I finished from one of Beki Haley's kits that I bought two years ago when at Lake Tahoe. It is so sparkly! I've worn it a couple times & it gets comments all the time. I have other things finished too, but have to wait for my photographer to get well & back home.

Happy new year to all

Very low

I'm writing this now feeling extremely low in spirits. If you don't follow me on Facebook, then you aren't aware of the past two months of misery my husband & I have been going through because of a surgery he had back on November 2nd. He's been in and out of the hospital for nausea I believed caused from the surgery, but the surgeon keeps saying it is not. The last two times, I've refused to take him back to the hospital where the surgeon has privileges because he keeps saying nothing from the surgery causes this debilitating nausea or extreme weight loss. So he's at the hospital I work at with internal medicine Doctors who are actually taking him serious and trying so hard to help him. He got out of the hospital for the 5th time 10 days ago, but this past Saturday he started to have nausea/vomiting again & Monday I had him readmitted to the hospital. His Internal Medicine Doctor is very worried and has now decided to start him on TPN which is IV nutritional feeding through a surgical placed port. He was fine yesterday in the hospital, but now the nausea has returned. I'm beside myself with worry. And on top of it, here it is days until Christmas. Just now I realized he will not be home with me and won't be able to go to our family's Christmas party Christmas Eve. He'll be in the hospital hooked up to tubes, monitors and IVs. It hit me hard like a brick just now, and I'm so very low in spirits that I just want to cry.

I don't think I've been this low since the Christmas right after my Father died. I'm powerless as I have to work but at least he's there in the same hospital complex so I can just dash over if something happens. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with depressed dogs. They are so upset that he is gone again. Frodo is the worse. Last night, I heard Frodo upstairs so I sneaked up and found him rolling around on Chris' bed trying to get under the covers. He looked up, saw me, and started to whine. I had to hold that little dog's body to comfort him or was he comfort me. I haven't put up any decorations this year, I haven't baked, I haven't sent out Christmas cards, and I've barely shopped. I don't think I've ever had such a lonely time ever. My Mother tries to encourage me, and some of my coworkers seem to care about me. My sister is wonderful and my two brothers are as always my foundation. Yet, when I'm here in this house all alone with my three Scotties, I feel as if I'm the only one in the world. I realized from all of this experience that I truly do not like being alone. I know I have my dogs, but it isn't the same as being able to look across the room & make some nonsense comment about anything to Chris. This afternoon, I started to talk out loud and Fiona was so freaked out she had a little pee accident. Oops, next time I'll have to give her fair warning.

I do have Christmas Eve this year from the hospital. I plan on going to my brother's house for a little to spend time with my family and to find cheer. But then, I'll be spending some time at the hospital with my husband so I don't have to be in this house alone without him. I've learned that things don't mean a thing when you are alone. I can surround myself with all kinds of material objects, but the only thing that is important is the one I love.

My best friend told me that at Winter Solstice she went to a pagan ceremony where you sent three wishes for others to the endless night. She told me she sent a prayer/wish that Chris gets better. I hope it works. I truly hope for a Christmas miracle. I have seen then come true, believe me. If you will endulge me for a few seconds longer I want to tell you about such a miracle. Chris' Mom from a mishap with surgery was in a coma for three months. Doctors told us all that even if she ever regained conscious she would never have mental clarity ever. He practically told us she would be in a vegetative state. One Christmas while she was in an nursing facility, both of us & Chris' brother went to visit her. We brought her a stuffed horse that neighed when you shook it up only because she loved little stuffed toys. Chris unwrapped it for her and put it under her arm. Then he & his brother sat next to her. Miraculously, she opened her eyes looked at both of them and said "my boys are home again". We were all shocked as she kept talking and wanted to get up to make them something to eat. I ran down to the nursing station and was met with disbelief. The nurse came down heard Chris' Mom talking and stood there with mouth open. She rushed down to call the Doctor who did the same. His Mom was her own self and lived another year. So you see, Christmas miracles do indeed come true. I just hope that I'm blessed enough to be witness to another one.

Well, enough of my long long winding tale. I now need to get myself together and head over to the hospital just to touch his cheek, hold his hand, and tell him how much I love him and need him. I'm praying for a miracle.

Acts of Kindess

Today I feel a little better. I've had some kind of Vertigo sneaking back into my life these past couple weeks on top of ever other stressful thing which I don't need at all. I actually didn't feel dizzy this afternoon when I woke up, and the Sun was shining. On top of it, there were two acts of kindness to me that really made me stop and realize there are wonderful people out there. First was my neighbor, Rod, who knowing Chris has been in & out of the hospital for the last 5 weeks shoveled the snow off all my sidewalks AND the driveway! Chris usually gets the snow blower out & does all the neighbors around us, but he hasn't had the energy to go out to the mailbox. Me, I wasn't looking forward to getting the shovel out as I don't do big boy power tools. It is enough to shovel pathways for the dogs. So it really made me extremely happy that Rod did all this work for us without our asking at all.

Then our sump pump has been on the fritz for over a week semi flooding our basement. Luckily the boxes that got wet just held radio tubes & metal components. The only thing ruin was the rug, but that is easy to replace. My brother who is a very busy man with a family of four and a very busy work schedule came over this afternoon & replaced the sump pump. He & I got to talk, drink some coffee & he finally picked up the present I got for him on our Kauai trip (we just never have the same work schedule). So now, I don't have to shovel snow or worry about more things in the basement getting wet. How lucky am I?

Then I got to thinking about how truly lucky I am even though I don't think so at times. I have a warm place to call my own. I have a car that gets me around comfortably. I have a job that isn't too physically stressful (just emotionally), I have family who are always there at a phone call, I have friends who call me (Pam & Cyn you know this is you) worrying about how I'm handling things, I have my dogs to give me love (and lots of wet kisses), I live in an area with little crime so I need not worry about violence again me or mine, I have access to the Internet where I can communicate with all the hundreds of people I've met through my +20 years online, and I have my health. I have to stop at times & just consider yes indeed, I am a pretty lucky girl.

blue

Just been blue around here lately. Chris has been in & out of the hospital now for going on 6 weeks. I think he's physically only been in the house maybe 8 days. This has made me realize that I really do not like being alone. I'm not truly alone as I have my three Scotties with me, but they are lonely too as I'm either at the hospital visiting Chris or working. I don't have enough vacation time to take off more. I'm tired all the time, because I'm not sleeping well. I forget to eat & am so tired of fast food & hospital cafeteria food. I actually had to start cleaning the house. I had no idea where the mop was & had to call Chris to ask him where that & the Pledge was so I could dust a little. The dogs are so upset that Frodo is marking the house, Fiona whines much of the day & Arwen wanders around going from room to room. I just wish he'd come home soon. I have gotten many wonder messages on FaceBook from friends wishing me the best. Dale sent me a surprise gift that made my day yesterday when I was feeling especially down. Pam sent Chris a card. I've got phone calls to cheer me up. But I'm still so blue.

I find it so hard to create when your life is in a turmoil. Especially hard as my studio is in the basement of the house & the dogs are all so needy & don't want me down there at all. I try to do something & all three are sitting on top of the stairs whining for me to come up. I actually got one of my old trays our & took some beading upstairs so I can physically be with them.

Some things I've decided to not do. The hardest thing was not to participate in the 2011 Bead Journal Project. With all the illness this year first with Frodo's oral surgery, Fiona's near death & Chris' illness, surgery and now extended hospital stay, I have not had the preserverence to even finish 2010. I only got to August & lost my Muse for this project. I haven't read the blogs to see what others are doing & have seemed to lost interest in this project all together. I'll miss it as I have met some nice women from that group. I've also decided to not decorate the house at all for Christmas. I'm too exhausted to go down to the basement, drag up all that stuff & decorate the house. I'm not even buying presents or sending cards this year as it is all too exhausting to even think about it. I have a few things for special folks like my Mom, Grandma & a couple close friends. Chris will get a few things too that I bought months before. Nothing is even triggering the holiday spirit in me. I remember walking though the halls of the hospital & it would be decorated for Christmas. We aren't even allowed to call it Christmas anymore...has to be Winter Holiday...oh how fun, right? We haven't gotten a Christmas bonus in over two years. I remember way back when the economy was really tough in the 80s at least the nuns would give us all a turkey for our Christmas meal & we could all say Merry Christmas! Oh we did have a holiday party at work with cold appetizers, and stale cookies. I did get to shake someone's hand who I have no idea who they are wishing me Happy Holidays. Sure...I'll do that. Our department party is once again a pot luck (oh how I remember the lavish Christmas feast and parties) with a cheap sandwich tray from Giant Eagle which by the time we come in at 10pm is stale & tasteless. Doesn't this all sound so joyful?

The only good thing is that my youngest brother is going to have a get together Christmas Eve. I haven't seen some of my siblings for so long and am looking forward to being with them, my Mother & my 96 year old Grandma. I'm sure there will lots of delicious foods there & much laughing which I need right now.

Well, what to you know...something good has just happened. Chris just called & said the Doctors gave him a clean bill of health & he is coming home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he won't have to go back into the hospital. I'm so tired.

thanks all for listening to my personal rant. I so wish 2011 is a better year for me & my family.