Sunday, September 28, 2008

Summer ends

Summer is over, and Fall is official at the start. Septembers are the time of the year when I sit back & reflect on life and the year past. I don't know why September always makes me feel this way. Probably because it always called to me when I was young that it was time to go back to school, change my life for at least that year, and to commit to challenges...oh & the new television series too! How I couldn't wait until the new shows would start again. Our family just cheered when it was time to sit down together in the front room around the small black and white screen, and together get involved in shows. It was the time when we all went to the stores together getting our school supplies, walked home with friends laughing & dreaming of our future, and getting the catalogs in the mail with promises of Christmas surprises. But now September is the time of the year when I get really really blue. There seems to be on control over my emotions which roller coast up & down. I just become. Last night I sat outside on the patio wrapped up in a blanket watching the trees sway in the wind. I heard the remnants of the Summer insects singing me into a swaying cocoon of self satisfaction. I would occasionally look out into the yard & watch as Fiona lay in the grass sleeping, Frodo under the bushes trying to find bunnies, and Arwen racing from gate to gate trying to see if any small creature were trying to invade her territory. It was quiet, and my mind was quiet. Gone were the regrets of the year. Gone were the disappointments of the year. Gone were the spats, fights, and quarrels of the year. I felt refreshed. I felt like a new born ready to reach out.

But it didn't last. I woke up feeling tired. This year has been good for me, but it also has been so trying with my job flipping & flopping around with this staff member quitting, this one starting, this one pressuring others. I use to work 4 ten hour shifts which were great, but at least I was able to have some stability in my week schedule. Now we are back on 5 8 hour shifts. Because of that, two people left and one is wanting to leave. Great. Now ever day when I go to work, I don't know if I'll be the only one left, or what. I want to leave, but I've worked there for 25 years. Do you know how hard it is to leave when you will lose so much? But if you stay you lose also. Which is worse? I have no idea. Then this has been a year full of financial ups and downs for our country. I hate to even turn on the television or open the paper. To see my retirement accounts dwindle away is frightening as it means I'll have to keep on working way past the time I'd set for myself. I don't want to be poor when I get old. Both Chris & I grew up poor & the thought of having to balance comfort of living with medication or food is not what I want. So I'll keep working, and working, and working. I had someone yesterday tell me that at least I had a decent job. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but at least I have that. A decent job that a recession or a depression can touch. So I'll endure, and hope for something to turn my switch off so I don't keep thinking about the Future.

But I have had a good year. Don't get me wrong. I've had great things happen to me. I've taken two trips with friends. I've created some enduring pieces of Art which have thrilled me. I've gotten a cover of a magazine, and some recognition from working peers. I've spent time with my best friend, I've made new friends, and I've become debt free the first time in 20 years. I have a wonderful husband, three crazy fun dogs, and job that is stable, enough beads and fabric to keep me going for years! I think everyone has a blue phase of their life. I'm going to push back the azure curtain and step outside. I'm going to embrace the oranges and reds and yellows of Fall. I'm going to run in the leaves, stand out in the rain, and just smile more. Let the blues go...

Just to show how I'm ready to celebrate the New Year for me, I'm doing a set of calender dolls for the Bead Art Doll Yahoo Group. This first doll is my September doll. She's all pink & sparklie and holds her arms high above her head. This doll is ME. She's self aware, and ready to dance to the rhythm of life. Me.


abeadlady said...

I love your new dollie, Dot. Don't feel too bad about the bout with the blues. I think we all go through it once in a while. I think it makes you appreciate what you have more when it is over. You have had a terrific year beadwise and I have no doubt that will continue.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dot,

I enjoyed reading your comments on September and can relate to the pros and cons of staying in a job for years.

The future is scary for us but we can hold on to each of our friends and hope/pray for better days to come.

Beadily yours
Susan Feldkamp

GraceBeading said...

Great post Dot, thanks for sharing so much of your feelings. I found myself agreeing on so many things. I'm just trying really hard to be thankful for what I do have and not to be too negative about the other stuff. I too am going through a very trying time with my job and at times it feels like it's sucking the life right out of me. Thank goodness for beading!!!

Your doll is beautiful, I love the face and the up stretched arms. It says so much - all of it good and inspiring. And the beading, well gorgeous as always.

bohemiangirl said...

Tag, you're it! Please read the rules on my blog and play along!

Seven Springs Quilter said...

Where do you find the cabochons for your beaded dolls?
Seven Springs Quilter